Twice now she said, “You never listen to me.”

Never?

Never is big and I’m pretty sure “never” is not accurate, but to her, it is.

To her, it’s never.

My insides hurt and I want to say, “Yes I do!” I want to defend myself. But what is the good in that? So I tell her I will listen. And I tell her I try and always listen and be fair and really hear what she’s saying, but sometimes I don’t do it right. I ask her to come to me. “You feel offended, and that I’m treating you unfairly?” “Yes, and I’m sad and angry and I don’t know why.” “Okay, let’s talk about that.”

She talks, I hear and take in, and I try to unravel the web of bitterness in a little ones heart. Strand by strand I gently pull until we get a little closer to the knot being undone. I can see the knot, but I know that I can’t get it out, it’s too tight. I ask her if we can pray. She says yes. We go to the only One who can untangle our mess, all the mess that is of  hurt, self-righteousness, anger, and un-forgiveness.

Amen.

She lingers on my lap for awhile,  her head on my shoulder.

We just sit.

How tender is a young heart, and how easily wounds fester. I’m 32 and I wonder at the wounds in my own heart. I feel more untangled now than ever; freedom is all over me because of Him. But I have understanding; I’ve lived and I’ve fought for freedom. My little ones, they don’t understand the fullness of forgiveness and sin and pain and injustice. They haven’t lived enough. It’s confusing for them, they just know how they feel. I’m the sorter-outer.

We, us mamas and daddies, we’re the ones who have to keep at the sorting. We must keep on listening, really listening, discerning, and teaching our babes so they can be open to freedom. We help make the way for Jesus.  With compassion, patience, and time we give to the work of sorting the heart strings so He can come in tie them up new and beautiful.

It’s slow and meticulous, and it requires nothing short of grace.

“God puts the fallen on their feet again.” Psalm 147:6

Love, SM

Sexual abuse happens all the time, to girls and boys.

In light of the recent, horrific scandal at Penn State (my Alma mater), I want to ask that you take very seriously how prevalent sexual abuse is.

It happens in church Sunday schools, Awanas, and vacation bible schools.

It happens at summer camps.

It happens with friends.

It happens with uncles and aunts.

It happens with family friends.

It happens with those you trust.

It happens at the Day care.

It happens at the babysitters.

It happens even when you’re around.

Adults abuse children. Children who were abused abuse other children (often times).

It is a cycle that has crept into the childhood landscape bringing shame and trauma. And listen friends, your children aren’t just going to tell you about it.

You must ask them. You must ask specific questions. You must take the time to gently, lovingly, talk with them. Even as young as two years old (very gently and wisely).

Ways to talk to your little ones about abuse:

“God made our bodies, and no one is ever supposed to touch your private parts {be specific in naming the parts and pointing them out}.”

“Has anyone ever touched your bum (or whatever word you use)?” Ask if anyone has ever touched any of their private parts – go through each part specifically. Ask if anyone has showed them their private parts.

Do all of this gently and without a trace of shaming in your voice. Let it be natural, and smile. Keep it light.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to the child’s stuffed animal, asking them questions about your child (so that your child can have the stuffed animal respond).

If you notice your child acting strangely, or getting grumpy or difficult before you go to a certain place, take note-ask questions-be alert! Take note about how they act differently than other children in otherwise normal situations. You’ve got to be an attentive parent. Pay attention!

Listen! Always listen to your children. They can’t always communicate clearly. If they say they don’t like someone or don’t want to be around them, or they say, “bad person” or anything like that, listen! It maybe their way of alerting you.

Believe a child if they tell you they are being abused. 

Don’t make your child hug someone they don’t want to. Don’t make your child be held by someone they don’t want to be held by.

Let them know you are a safe place for them and will always listen to them.

There is so much shame in sexual abuse that children rarely say anything.

Above all else, pray. Pray that nothing would happen to them that hasn’t first gone through their heavenly Father’s loving hands. Pray that Jesus’ voice would be lounder than the enemy’s.

Also, remember that children are just that, children. They can’t be expected to protect themselves. You may tell your child that if anyone touches them they can scream or slap them…and I say, yes, tell them that. But remember that if someone does abuse them and they don’t scream or slap them, they may feel shame that they didn’t do that. So make sure that you tell them that it’s okay if they don’t, and just to always tell mommy and daddy.

Be trustworthy. Talk with gentleness. Pay attention to your gut.

Don’t leave your children alone with anyone that you do not absolutely trust. Don’t take a chance.

You can’t control evil, and you will not always be able to protect your child from abuse, but you can pray.

Never stop praying for your children.

If something has happened to your child…

Know that God is faithful and is with your child and your family. Don’t beat yourself up, abuse happens in families where the parent is attentive – evil finds a way. Go to God and accept grace so you can move forward and help your child. Pray for your child that Jesus’ voice would be louder than the enemy’s, and that your child would listen to Jesus’ voice. Ask the Lord for a verse for your child that you can pray over them. And friend, keep steady. You are fighting a spiritual battle for your child. Don’t give up, stay alert, persevere. It’s hard work, and you will have to make sacrifices. Keep on. Believe that God will bring good (He is faithful, but the enemy will try and steal this truth from you). Pray for discernment on whether or not you should put your child in counseling, and ask God for specific ways to help your child in the short run and the long run. Finally,

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

Ephesians 6:10-18

 SM

Recommended reading:

7 Steps to Protect Children from Sexual Abuse

The Molester

Warning signs of possible abuse

Protecting Against Child Abuse in Your Church

“Slate of Eight” Restitution Suggestions for SGM & CLC

P.S. Get pornography out of your house. Period.

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” Luke 15:4

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of attending the Mom Heart Leadership Intensive hosted by Sally Clarkson.

During our time we talked about wisdom and legacy and intention and beauty. We cozied up in Sally’s living room and the living rooms of her friends, and were encouraged by older women who, for three days, poured into us their knowledge, life experiences, and wisdom. I have pages of notes worth more than gold, but there was one thing that was said during the weekend that stopped me in my tracks; one thing that I knew was meant for me:

“Jesus left the 99 to go after the one.”

Caroline.

The Holy Spirit spoke deep into be my bones and I knew, I knew that He was telling me to leave the blog readers and the platform and the worry that comes with wanting to minister to the many and instead to go after the one, to go after my Caroline. I was to pursue hard after her heart. She would be my first priority.

What I Know Now

I know that if you have a little one who is acting out or having troubles or that is driving you up a wall, you need to “leave” what has the bulk of your time and attention and go after that one. Make winning their heart a top priority. Don’t wait.

Love, SM

Ann Voskamp wrote the foreword to Desperate. 

I’m telling you not because I think it’s completely wonderful (it is!), but because she wrote it while sitting in the ER. After I received her foreword, I called Sally and said, “I don’t think I could have done what she did, writing this beautiful, thoughtful forward while sitting in the ER with a nasty bronchial infection. Heck, I can’t write if I have a cold!”

Sally replied,

“Ann is a professional.”

And I lost my words.

I always have a million “good” reasons not to follow-through with something I said I would do. I’ve gotten too busy, or I’m sick, or I just don’t want to do it anymore.  The word “professionalism” has never entered my mind. Wow.

Ann is an expert at her work. She not only has a gift, but she chooses to keep at it. Sally is this way as well, and so I have before me two wise women who refine their gifts day in and day out, and who keep their word. I want to join their ranks. I want to live out of integrity, because really, that’s what a professional is, someone who has integrity. They are an expert because they choose what to do and what they will be able to do, and then they do it. And they do it well, because they know their strengths and their limitations.

What I also know about those two women is that they choose to be “professional” in their homes first. They have spent hours and hours investing in their families, and I would say they are experts with their family puzzle (as Sally calls it). They have not offered crumbs, but feasts of their time and energy. I am grateful for their example.

I don’t want to be Sally or Ann or anyone else, but I do think it is prudent to emulate wise women.

Professional women.

Women of integrity.

What kind of woman do you want to be? 

Find wise women to learn from; watch them, invite them to coffee, get to know them. They are a gift.

There are some days when I am so tired not even coffee can keep my eye lids functioning at a normal rate.

I’m dragging. I’m not doing crafts today. I’m not taking them on a walk. I’m not reading to them. We’ll get a smidgen of school work done, the basics.

These are not the days I want to live as life, but there are some days like these, and I’m just going to have to give myself grace.

Grace as I head to the movie store so there can be a movie day.

Grace to feed them store bought pumpkin pie, string cheese, and apple cider for lunch…and maybe even dinner.

Grace to try again tomorrow.

I know some people will think I’m being a bad mother. I’m being irresponsible. But I think I’m a good mother who is in process, and who some days, just needs a string-cheese, movie marathon kind of day.

There are enough “shoulds” in the world of a mother. Today, instead of “should” I’m saying, “could”.

I could take it easy on myself during certain times of the month when a gal is just flat out tired.

I could believe that God is just as pleased with me today as He is on the days when I’m rockin’ and rollin’ as a mama.

I could believe that my babies are okay when I’m a sack of potatoes.

I could believe that a movie marathon day won’t ruin their brains (depending on what they watch 

I think we’ll all just be okay today.

Pass the pie.