“Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

She wiggles her toes into the “comfiest place on earth” (between my knees) and we cozy up to each other to talk about the day.

We giggle and chat and I ask her questions. I feel a prodding in my spirit, so I ask, “Is there anything you need to tell me?”

She hesitates.

“No, mommy.”

But I can tell there is something. So I dig gently.

“Baby, you know mama is on your team, right? Nothing you could ever say will make me love you any less. You are safe with me.”

She looks at me with large eyes, unsure if what I’m saying is true.

“There is something, but I’m afraid to tell you.”

“Darling, I will never discipline you for confessing to me or telling me something you need to be free of. I want you to trust me. I’m here for you, okay? You can tell me.”

I can see it. Shame. She sits up, covers her face, and just keeps repeating, “I’m so scared you’re going to be mad at me.”

She’s six, and my comforting words barely break through her fear. Her unfounded fear. I am wide open to be arms of grace, but she balls up and covers her nervousness between giggles and sad eyes.

I take her hand and tell her again that I’m on her side.

She speaks into the pillow that is over her face. She tells me her secret. And then,

she cries.

And I hold her and I tell her how much I love her. I tell her that I did the same thing when I was her age, and she uncovers her face and looks at me with surprise. “You did?!” “Yep. And I didn’t like it either.”

Confession is good for the spirit. We smile and hold each other in grace. We pray. We kick shame out the door.

I’m her mama, and He’s our Father, and shame is not invited into our family. 

We cozy up again to giggle and chat some more.

We are unveiled, and we are

free.

 “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:18

I’m on the phone and she’s wrapping the kitchen floor mat around her body.

I walk into another room and she whines and screeches. She’s following me everywhere, whining all the way. She just wants me to stop and pay attention to her.

He is jumping on the couch and then exasperating his sister. He is banging the chair back and forth, and making all kinds of noise, and I’m about to go crazy and he’s pushing all my buttons.

He just needs me.

And than there is the oldest girl, the one who just looks at me with sad eyes that say, “I just need you.”

My babies, they need their mama.

And your babies, they need you.

Sometimes our children will act crazy to get our attention. They will disobey, they will push our buttons, they will test boundaries. They don’t need more discipline or harsh looks or “stop it!” from us. No, they need just us. They need us to put them before the phone conversation, the cleaning, the reading, the whatever. They just need us to smile, to bend down and hug, to laugh with, spend time with, and to just plain pay attention to them. Sometimes they just need us to say to our friend or important person on the phone, “I’m sorry, can I call you back, my children need me now.”

Our children, just like us, want to be known. They want to be respected. They want to know they matter more than anyone else, because they are ours.

If your babies are driving you crazy today, consider giving them more of you. Give them your full attention. Give them your arms to lean into. Give them your eyes and your smile. Make them feel like the most important people in the world.

Because they are, in this moment, they are.

Love, SM

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” Galatians 6:7-9

I start to get lax because I’m tired, or bored.

My little ones are happy and all is well in their worlds…and this lasts forever, right? No, of course it doesn’t. At some point, life will invade them in ways they don’t now anticipate. Confusion, heartache, curiosity will take new forms, and the bow that holds everything together beautifully will begin to come undone. This is the way of life in a sin-filled world. And very soon, before I’m ready, I won’t be so perfect in their eyes. But now, right now in this season, they are like little chicks following me and imitating me and cozying up under my wings where it is safe and the most comfy place in the world. Now is time for the sowing.

And yet, I’m inadequate. Good thing, I suppose, because if He’s strong in me when I am weak, than my sowing may well produce something beautiful in spite of myself.

“Lord, let me make a difference for you that is utterly disproportionate to who I am.” -John Piper

But even so, I must be diligent in my sowing, in instilling every bit of truth and wisdom and goodness into my little chicks. I may not be able to save their souls, but I can stick Words of life into their spirits. I may not be able to protect them from wickedness, or heartache, or struggles in their faith, but I can give them a foundation of grace and truth. I can give them unconditional love. I can speak words of affirmation over them and to them. I can pray with them and teach them to pray. I can encourage them to ask as many questions as they want about the world and the bible and God and Satan, and I can be honest when I don’t have an answer. I can teach them to always hope, because hope is the anchor of the soul. Our hope is in Jesus, the one who isn’t behind a veil, keeping us at arms length unless we prove ourselves. No, He stepped onto the earth, and then He stepped into our very Spirits. A divine mingling with the sin-infested. That’s what we have, who know Him. And that I can tell my children about, that they can have the divine living in them, helping them, counseling them, teaching them, and reminding them about grace. I want to do this, live this, every day. There are times of weariness, because sometimes I’m just tired or selfish, but I will not lose heart. I will not quit. I will not allow myself to “grow weary”; to give up. I will commit to sowing for the long haul, for the time that I have now.

“Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established.” Proverbs 16:3

“You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.” Psalm 128:2

…

Perhaps you’ve read my story.

I am a mama who lost her first baby through abortion.

For the longest time I was numb, detached, from what I did. I considered my self pro-choice, I guess. I wasn’t passionate about it, but would have probably defended a woman’s “right to choose” since I chose.

Pro-life commercials made me uncomfortable, and being in the presence of little children made me sad.

My junior year of college my roommate had to babysit a little girl who must have been four or five. She had blonde hair, and was so sweet. After meeting her I went to my room and cried, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know where the emotions were coming from. It has taken me years to understand and unwind the emotions that were so bound up with my abortion. It touched so many areas of my being, yet I had no clue. Thankfully, by the grace of God and His gentle leading, I worked through my abortion with a kind counselor. Today, I can honestly say that I know what I chose was wrong, I’ve turned from my old ways of thinking, and my sin and the blood I allowed to be spilled is covered by the blood of Jesus.

I am forgiven. I have been set free.

But my spirit aches for the women who have lost a child or children through abortion, and keep the guilt concealed deep inside, sometimes not even knowing why they hurt. Why they wall up, or cry around little children; why they sleep around, or suffer from depression, or think that God is punishing them by not giving them more children. I have a message for those women.

I have a message for you, mama of the child you can’t hold.

Abortion has affected you, whether you know it or not. Your baby, the baby that was nourished from your body, was taken. You may have thought through your decision, or perhaps you were pressured or even forced into it. Whatever the circumstances, know this: there is a blood that covers the blood.

You don’t have to escape your feelings. I know how painful it is to “go there.” I know it’s easier to not deal with it. I also know that God redeems fully; you don’t have to be afraid. If you’ve not gone through a grieving process, if you’ve not received counseling, I plead with you to make yourself vulnerable enough to enter into the intricate, sensitive, emotional area of working through your abortion. It’s not easy to take the first step, and it’s really, really hard to go through abortion counseling. But it’s healing.

We were lied to. We were told that abortion was easy. Many of us who have had abortions know that our souls were scathed the day our baby was offered up to heaven before he or she had a chance to breathe in spring day, or dig her hands into a bowl of flour and feel the silk touch of it. Before they could run through a sprinkler, or dance, or have a first kiss. And now we must heal. Damage was done, and our soul needs to breathe free.

If you nestled a little one in your womb, you are a mama. You have a mama’s heart, even if you don’t know it.

I love you and I hurt with you. If you need prayer, leave a comment (it can be anonymous) and I’ll pray for you. If you want help finding a counselor, I’ll help you. If you just need to hear something that will offer you the final break to get help, then listen to this:

“It’s okay mommy, I’ll see you again one day!”

That’s what my little boy David, who is dancing with Jesus now, said to me in a dream that I know the Lord gave me.

Friend, you can be set free. And choosing freedom? That’s a choice you will never regret.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

“She did not consider her future. Therefore she has fallen astonishingly.” Lamentations 1:9

Sometimes, life and time take over and you forget to stop and make that time your own.

2011 was a year that I let happen to me, and I spent the majority of it depressed and unmotivated. It must sound crazy from the outside to hear that 2011 was a hard year for me spiritually and emotionally because so many amazing things happened. I sold tons of eBooks and earned a full-time income, I got two publishing deals, got asked to speak at various events, and was even about to start a new conference. Life from the outside was a dream come true.

On the inside of this life, I was sad, and lost, and didn’t know what I was doing. I felt overwhelmed, tired, depressed, and alone. I was busy, and I didn’t take the time to eat the Word that my soul so desperately needed. I was going and going and trying to make it on my own, without trying. I didn’t pursue any of the things that happened to me, and while I am excited about them, and thankful for them, I didn’t really choose. I let things happen. It’s a strange thing when you are thrilled about something you get to do because you love it, while also feeling torn and stretched and confused about whether or not you should be doing it. And then it happens, and it’s good, and you see God all over it and you praise Him. But you are awakened to the fact that you must fight for the small, even in the blessing.

I know that God is allowing me to write, and He’s given me a platform for which to share messages that matter. I love that. I also know that I must not let life happen to me, the stakes are too high. I do not want to regret my life. I accept happily what God has chosen to give me, and I’m walking it out by faith, but I also know that I must be alert and intentional even more so now.

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be required.” Luke 12:48 NASB

I must commit to being in the Word daily. I must commit to daily searching my heart for idols. I must commit to fight for and manage my time. I must commit to not give in to my emotions, but to overcome and daily accept His grace and truth. A wise woman does these things. I remember Sally Clarkson telling me a while ago, “We need the women who will do the work now with their children so they have something worth saying later.” The world needs messages of integrity from those who have done the work.

The last few weeks I’ve made some hard decisions, decisions that will let people down and perhaps give me a bad reputation. I’ve quit some things. The thing is, my reputation with my family is most important. I still feel the sting of my own foolishness by committing to things without counting the cost; I will count the cost from now on. I will wait.

“Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it?” Luke 14:27-28 NASB

I’m sharing these things with you because it’s part of my story. I struggle with the tension of being fully home for family and walking by faith into a public arena I believe that God has prepared for me. It’s an ongoing push-pull in my spirit, but I think that’s part of what it feels like to walk by faith. And if I’m going to accept this platform and give it my time, it better matter; my words had better matter. I don’t take this lightly, this is my life, my family’s life.

Yesterday I announced that I was canceling the Allume Heart Spring conference (the fall conference is still on). I was afraid that people would be angry and tell me how much I had let them down, but that didn’t happen. I received dozens of emails and messages thanking me for putting my family before my work. It made me realize that women are craving leaders who put their families first. Do you know how much that encourages my heart? Deeply.

God affirmed me in the struggle.

He works in the tension.

I will keep telling my stories and I will write, for such a time as this, but it must be for His glory. It must.

Are you struggling with something you think you need to quit because it is taking too much time from your family? I want you to know, it’s okay to quit.

Really.

God knows, and He is before you and He is after you. And if you know Him, you are in His will right now. By faith, my friend, all by faith.

“…whatever is not from faith is sin.” Romans 14:23