For the Mama Who Lost Her Baby Through Abortion

Perhaps you’ve read my story.

I am a mama who lost her first baby through abortion.

For the longest time I was numb, detached, from what I did. I considered my self pro-choice, I guess. I wasn’t passionate about it, but would have probably defended a woman’s “right to choose” since I chose.

Pro-life commercials made me uncomfortable, and being in the presence of little children made me sad.

My junior year of college my roommate had to babysit a little girl who must have been four or five. She had blonde hair, and was so sweet. After meeting her I went to my room and cried, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know where the emotions were coming from. It has taken me years to understand and unwind the emotions that were so bound up with my abortion. It touched so many areas of my being, yet I had no clue. Thankfully, by the grace of God and His gentle leading, I worked through my abortion with a kind counselor. Today, I can honestly say that I know what I chose was wrong, I’ve turned from my old ways of thinking, and my sin and the blood I allowed to be spilled is covered by the blood of Jesus.

I am forgiven. I have been set free.

But my spirit aches for the women who have lost a child or children through abortion, and keep the guilt concealed deep inside, sometimes not even knowing why they hurt. Why they wall up, or cry around little children; why they sleep around, or suffer from depression, or think that God is punishing them by not giving them more children. I have a message for those women.

I have a message for you, mama of the child you can’t hold.

Abortion has affected you, whether you know it or not. Your baby, the baby that was nourished from your body, was taken. You may have thought through your decision, or perhaps you were pressured or even forced into it. Whatever the circumstances, know this: there is a blood that covers the blood.

You don’t have to escape your feelings. I know how painful it is to “go there.” I know it’s easier to not deal with it. I also know that God redeems fully; you don’t have to be afraid. If you’ve not gone through a grieving process, if you’ve not received counseling, I plead with you to make yourself vulnerable enough to enter into the intricate, sensitive, emotional area of working through your abortion. It’s not easy to take the first step, and it’s really, really hard to go through abortion counseling. But it’s healing.

We were lied to. We were told that abortion was easy. Many of us who have had abortions know that our souls were scathed the day our baby was offered up to heaven before he or she had a chance to breathe in spring day, or dig her hands into a bowl of flour and feel the silk touch of it. Before they could run through a sprinkler, or dance, or have a first kiss. And now we must heal. Damage was done, and our soul needs to breathe free.

If you nestled a little one in your womb, you are a mama. You have a mama’s heart, even if you don’t know it.

I love you and I hurt with you. If you need prayer, leave a comment (it can be anonymous) and I’ll pray for you. If you want help finding a counselor, I’ll help you. If you just need to hear something that will offer you the final break to get help, then listen to this:

“It’s okay mommy, I’ll see you again one day!”

That’s what my little boy David, who is dancing with Jesus now, said to me in a dream that I know the Lord gave me.

Friend, you can be set free. And choosing freedom? That’s a choice you will never regret.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

Sarah Mae