I might feel crazy but my soul will be steady

Two days ago I lost it.

I mean I was an emotional wreck; crazy town stuff. I was impatient with my kids, everything irritated me, I talked unkindly, and then I just cried. And cried.

And my kids were all, “What is wrong with you?”

And then I felt guilty for crying in front of them. Also, pretty sure they think I’m a little unhinged because I went from emotional wreck crying to praising God crying when we put on our new Francesca Battistelli album. There was just a whole mixed bag of crying going on, interspersed with, “I’m going to be okay” and “I’m so sorry you guys for being so grumpy today” and, “This song just so speaks to my soul right now.”

Crazy town.

After the kids were tucked into bed and apologies were given, again, I went to my room where my next unsuspecting victim was going over work stuff for the next day.

My poor, dear husband. Let’s just say all my praising God and apologies went out the window. Then, once he fell asleep, I cried some more. I prayed. I knew what was going on. I was just so tired.

And done.

I have been working towards shutting down most outside work in my life so I can focus on where God has been gently guiding me towards, my home and local community, but it takes time. And after the book launch I was completely spent. Book launches now days are crazy town in and of themselves. And then the course launch, which I am so excited about (and which was filmed a couple months before the book launch), and all the work and vulnerability and oh yea preparing to homeschool and I just fell apart. I had too. As Sally always says to me, “What goes up must come down.” I was bound to have a breakdown.

So there I am, crying in the dark, and I get a message from my angel friend Amy, who knew I was just worn out. She begins to tell me about the Palm tree.

She tells me that Palm trees thrive where there are fiercer winds because it causes their roots to grow stronger.

She tells me I will grow stronger, my roots growing firm and steady, through all of this.

And then after she serves my soul through her words, she offers to take my kids for the day. I accept her offer. She shows up at my house at 8:30 the next morning, hands me flowers and a candle, gives me a smile and hug, and off they go.

Amy has five kids, ages 2-10. And she still took my kids.

But let me tell you something about Amy, who you might remember from A Night to Breathe. She is one of the most steady-souled people I know. She easy going and laughter is always on her lips. She can crack a joke that has you rolling one minute, and is with you in deep conversation the next. But it’s her steadiness that draws me in. I think you get that kind of peaceful, steady soul when you go through the fierce wind, and I don’t mean the book launch, doing too much kind. I mean the real winds of life.

See Amy has done through several storms. She lost her home in Katrina, and right after giving birth, she lost her mama unexpectedly. And she’s lost babies in her womb, and she’s sat in hospital’s trying to take care of another one who was very sick.

She is a Palm tree.

And it is evident that through her deep pain and loss and fierce wind, she stayed close to the steady One. She learned to move and breathe with His steady heartbeat. Slow and steady, one step, one breath at a time.

And now I see a woman who has strong roots and steady soul.

So when Amy tells me in her calm and soothing voice that I’m going to grow stronger through the pressure and vulnerability, I believe her.

And I will cry and praise and mess up and get up, and will be crazy town sometimes, but my soul will be steady, because these weak roots of mine are intermingled with the strong roots of my God, and it is with His strength that I keep on.

Whatever you’re going through, whatever pain or winds you’re experiencing, hang onto Him and know, your roots are growing strong and beautiful.

“The righteous will flourish like a palm tree…” Psalm 92:12

Love, SM

Sarah Mae