“Holiness is not about getting right and wrong perfected, but it’s about living in the Light, living without anything hidden.” Bill Thrall

I had a friend text me recently and ask if I would be her parenting mentor.

I laughed to myself and texted back, “Sure, but  it might be the blind leading the blind!”

Ever since her text, I’ve been thinking about parenting and what I could offer her, what I’ve learned, and what has been helpful for me as I do my best with my three babes. I’m not great at teaching and training my children, I get impatient and irritated too easily. I don’t spend enough time with them at bedtime, and I’m not as fun as I’d like to be with them. But there is one thing that God has impressed upon me that I try to impress upon them, and it is this:

Be in the Light.

Don’t hide; never hide.

Your ugly is never so ugly that you can’t be loved or forgiven. Also? I’ve got a lot of ugly of my own. You aren’t alone.

You’ve also got a whole lot of beautiful, because you were created in the image of God.

You are loved no matter what. Nothing you could do could change my love for you. On your best day or your worst day, I love you the same.

Nothing you could say or do could make me love you more or less.

You can always talk to me, about anything; approach me with confidence, because I’m on your team.

You are pleasing to me because you are my child.

You will mess up, and you’ll do it a lot, but that’s okay. I mess up a lot, too. We’re in this together; it’s why we need Jesus.

We need Jesus.

You and me both, kid. Because we will never get “it” right in this life. There will be loose ends and trouble and sin swirling all around us, but if we hold onto Jesus, we’ll make it.

And grace.

A million times you will mess up, and a million times I will forgive you. And please forgive me, too, for my million mess-ups.

If we carry on in grace, and stay in the light, we can do this thing called life. And we can do it fairly well.

So there it is, my big parenting advice. It’s really all I’ve got. But I think it’s everything, because it’s how the Father loves us.

“…to all who did receive him [Jesus], to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”  John 1:12

Love, SM

My kids were splashing and playing at the indoor pool at the rec center near my house.

I was sitting on a bench watching them, while also perusing through my iPhone, checking email, reading blogs, looking at Instagram, etc. And this thought kept surfacing, “What if someone recognizes me as the girl who wrote the Unwired Mom and here I am sitting on my iPhone while my kids play without me.”

I looked around.

When I went to the pool yesterday, I took a notebook and pen and convinced myself I’d use my time to write: I’d sketch out bits of life and notes and intersections on how I really want to live. I like making life-maps.

But I didn’t write, I got online, for pretty much the whole time. And there is nothing wrong with doing that, but for me, I felt…not true.

I knew I wasn’t just on my iPhone; I had to be on it. The pull was so great. And so I took my notebook and pen and I wrote a list of pros and cons for having an iPhone:

Pros

I can look up phone numbers (Internet)

I can get directions (Internet)

I can listen to podcasts/music/audiobooks wherever I am

I can use it in my house to play music/audiobooks over our Wi-Fi speaker

Voxer (I love this app)

Sharing life on Instagram

Cons

Constant pull to be online – check email, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram

Always on it, even while driving

…

The pros list is longer, but the cons list is heavier.

I made some calls to find out if there was some device that I could use to listen to podcasts, music, and audiobooks without having a phone or Internet attached. The kind lady at the Apple store told me about the iPod Nano, which would do what I wanted, but would cost $149. I then called the Verizon store because I’m up for a free new phone in two weeks. I told her what I was looking for and she said I could get a cell phone (not a smart phone = no Internet) but I could keep my iPhone and use it without a data plan. In other words, I could still use the iPhone for podcasts, music, and audiobooks and use the Wi-Fi function in my home (since we have Wi-Fi) to play those things over our Wi-Fi speakers, but not have Internet or phone when I left my house. Perfect.

Come July 11th, I will be Internet free while out and about.

I will miss Voxer (Logan, how will you ever do without my morning songs?).

I will miss the easy access to phone numbers and directions.

I will miss Instagram.

I will miss a lot of things, I’m sure. I might even kick myself. But I’ve got to be authentic, and I’ve got to be free.

Many of you will read this and think, “Girl, why are you so drastic? Just use a little self-control! For the love!”

I hear you, I do. But I know myself and my weaknesses, and I would just rather be drastic in this case.

So it is.

Here’s to living true.

Love, SM

I get quite a few emails from moms who feel so lonely, and who are desperate for a friend, but can’t seem to find anyone. This is for them, for you…

I know you’re tired. I know you’re trying to invest in your family, but you’re just really lonely and really in need of a friend. You’ve tried to reach out but it seems like no one needs another friendship. It’s hard to initiate, and sometimes you just wish someone would call you up and invite you and your kids over to spend time together. You feel like you don’t have the strength to do anymore, but you need something.

Let me say this first: God hears you.

He hears you and sees into your heart and He knows the broken and lonely places. He knows your longings, and He knows about your weariness. He hears you and He cares, so don’t stop crying out to Him. He is not ignoring your cries, so you keep praying and asking Him for a friend and/or a mentor to walk alongside you.

This is a trial for you, and I want to tell you to hang on to Him. Hang on for dear life and trust Him through this hardship. You will get through it. You will.

Next, write down a list of people you’d like to get together with, or get to know. Perhaps they are from your neighborhood or your church, or someone you met in the grocery store, or even online. Invite them into your home for coffee. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, you don’t have to clean like crazy and make sure everything is just right. Make it comfortable enough, and then leave it alone. It’s okay if you’re two-year old is getting into everything, and someone is fighting with someone else, this is real life. But at least you’ve reached out and invited someone into the real. And you know what, it’s okay to put on a movie for the babes while you talk with a friend. It’s okay to strap said two-year old into a highchair with a snack while you and your friend chat at the table. It’s okay.

But here’s the hardest part: you’ve got to get uncomfortable. What I mean is, you’ve to be willing to push past your fears and exhaustion if you want a friendship.

If you get invited to spend time with other people, go. Make the time, find a way. My husband and I have taken the leap to travel to see friends we met online.

Find a local church that has a weekly bible study that offers childcare. I attended my church’s bible study this past year and it was so good for me to get out with other women, and my children loved the time they had in childcare (mainly because they’re with me all the time and loved getting away with other kids!).

One more idea: Invite a family over for an easy pizza dinner with paper plates! It’s a no fuss, easy way to get together with other people. Or hey, it’s summer time, have a cookout and invite the neighbors. Hot dogs are cheap and easy as well, and the kids can play outside!

The truth is, friendships take work and time, and there is really no other way around it. My best advice is to keep things laid back and honest. Don’t try and prepare a feast with real plates and a perfectly clean home when you have little ones underfoot. Keep it simple. Let life breathe.

And remember this, while you think no one else is looking for a friend, or that people already have established friendships, I promise you there are tons of women who feel exactly like you do, and I bet they’re in your town, your church, your neighborhood. Don’t assume. Reach out in faith.

This season will not last forever. It gets easier! Your kids grow older, you get less tired (sleeping through the night, yay!), and you are able to do more. You will have more energy, you will have more time. Hang in there!

You are never alone,

Sarah Mae

I finally, finally enjoy homeschooling.

After failed attempts, neglect, tons of curriculum, comparing, sage advice, and a settling in, I can finally say I enjoy homeschooling. Thank God. Because I was starting to think about how I could save to send my babes to private school.

My heart’s desire has always been to homeschool; I loved the idea of learning with my children, filling their minds with beautiful things, being with them as they learn about the world, and choosing what they study, based on what I thought was best and what suited their personality and bents. The problem? I didn’t take it seriously enough. I had built up an ideal (sort of like I did with motherhood), and it all came crashing down. I learned that homeschooling wasn’t easy, or always fun, and that it takes discipline, consistency, and hard work (all of which I lack, and all of which are obvious…except to me). I also compared myself with other homeschool moms that I admired, which just about did me in. I would look at pictures and read posts about their craft-filled, lap-book-filled days and feel like a loser, totally inadequate to homeschool my babes.

Some of you may have felt that way about me.

The truth is, it’s been an uphill battle for me. I can be lazy and unmotivated and undisciplined. I also fear too much: “What if she hates homeschooling? What if I push her too hard? What if I don’t push her enough?” I am a seriously neurotic mother. But I am teachable, and I have heart, lot’s of heart, and I want to be with my babes as they learn. So I’ve had to learn a few things, I’ve had to discipline myself, and I’ve had to serve hot chocolate to get Ella to smile while she does her work.

Some of you are struggling to enjoy homeschooling. Some of you are comparing yourselves with other moms, and some of you are barely hanging in there. I don’t have the wisdom of a seasoned homeschool mama, but I do have a few things for those of you who might need some encouragement to keep going.

How to Enjoy Homeschooling {A Few Things I’ve Learned Along the Way}

 

Know You Want to Homeschool

Do you really want to homeschool? Do you feel that’s where the Lord has led your family? Is your husband on board with it? It’s going to be pretty difficult to enjoy homeschooling if you feel like you have to do it, or your husband doesn’t want you to, or whatever other reason. You homeschool because you feel that’s what you’re called to do, and there is a desire in you to do it.

Figure Out What Works for Your Family

Break out of the mindset that homeschooling must only be done one way, or that it needs to follow a school model. Find what works for you as a family! Maybe that is a school model, or maybe it’s homeschooling in the evening, or at a park in the middle of the day. Maybe it’s two hours of work a day, maybe it’s five. Maybe it’s field trips and living books, or text books and desks. Maybe your husband does the homeschooling. Every family will have a style of their own, and that’s great! Find yours, and go with it!

Stop Comparing {And Stop Reading Blogs That Make You Feel Inadequate}

I really think that a big reason parents give up on homeschooling is because they feel inadequate due to comparing themselves with others. It’s one thing to stop homeschooling if you feel the Lord leading you somewhere else, but it’s another to stop because you are comparing yourself with another mom or homeschooling lifestyle. You have your own unique personality and bents and limitations and strengths and weaknesses. Focus on what your strengths are, and move in confidence in those areas. If you know you struggle with not feeling like you’re good enough to homeschool after reading certain blogs, just stop reading them! There are wonderful bloggers out there that I cannot read on a regular basis because I know my weakness (and sinful tendency) is to compare myself with them. When I compare, I get in a funk, everything all of a sudden feels overwhelming and hopeless, and I want to throw in the towel. But when I’m walking free in how the Lord made me, and when I put blinders on and keep focused on where the Lord is guiding us, I’m okay, and in fact, I’m happy. I love our family and where we’re at with homeschooling, and I want to stay in that place. I want you know find that sweet spot as well.

Find Support

We all need support, and we all need grace. Find friends or a co-op or a mentor  (or all of those things) who homeschools or has homeschooled to encourage you on the journey. Having supportive people in your life will help tremendously in persevering.

Have a Talk with Your Babes

I called Sally just about in tears of frustration one day and said, “Ella is always complaining about her work! I don’t know what to do!” Sally said, “You need to sit down with her and tell her that this is what we do, every day, Monday through Friday. School work is non-negotiable.” Well, I did what she said, and what do you know, it worked! I sat down my sweet Ella and gently but firmly laid out for her the fact that we will be doing school work every day. We talked about why, we talked about our attitudes, and I agreed to hot chocolate (see below).

Serve Hot Chocolate

My Ella gets through her school work by having some sort of treat half way through. In the winter, it was hot chocolate. Sometimes it’s tea, currently it’s just a snack of some sort. Find something that brings your child a smile during their work time.

Have Fun!

For real, have fun! Go places, dance, sing at the top of your lungs, go on field trips, make your own schedule, talk, live, create, and relax! Your babes can be your crew – do life with them. Remember, homeschooling is just living life and learning together.

At The End of the Day…

As Sally Clarkson says, “Read to your children a ton, have them around adults, and listen to good music. If you do these things, they’ll be brilliant.” 

Keep on!

Love, SM

My Caroline is one sassy little spitfire.

She is also sweet and adorable and giggly and I couldn’t love her more. She is lovely to me.

But that sass. Her hand is just about permanently fixed on her hip, and the girl knows how to throw out some attitude. And honestly, it’s funny. She cracks my husband and I up. It’s cute now, but I’m thinking it’s not going to be so cute in a few years.

And I know this! I know that a sassy (impudent) attitude is not something I want to cultivate in my girl, and yet, I’ve let it slip in, and I’ve encouraged it.

Now please let me put something out there before I talk more about the sass; I love Caroline’s bright and lively, full-spirited personality! I will never try and tame the way God weaved her. She can have a gentle and quiet spirit and still be loud and fun, because “quiet” does not mean quiet at all, it means *tranquil (Tweet that). I want her to have a gentle and peaceful spirit, settled, content in the One who made her, vivacious her.

However, I will work towards taming the sass. I will work towards cultivating humility and kindness and gentleness in her spirit. There are no guarantees that I will be successful, but if the Holy Spirit is in her, the work is really not mine at all do; it is His. I will guide, I will correct, and I will let her see my failures and my dependance on the only One who can mold a person. With these things in mind, here are some suggestions for helping to tame the sass…

Five Ideas to Tame the Sass in Your Little One

Quit Laughing

Seriously, this sounds easy, but it’s hard. It’s hard because you’ve probably formed a habit of laughing at your babes cute sass, and it’s also hard because others probably laugh and encourage the sass (and you can’t control others). Start paying attention to how you respond to the sass, and try instead to discourage it, correcting it immediately.

Correct Immediately (gently and with a smile)

Correction sounds so harsh and un-fun, doesn’t it? And yet, sometimes that’s what we’ve got to do as parents. I remember a mentor once telling me that she tried to have more “yeses” in her children’s world’s than “nos” and I love that philosophy, and I agree with it! We could try and create an environment where we laugh and smile and encourage rather than frown and fix. With “yeses” in mind, when it comes to correcting, one way is to praise when your child acts in humble, kind, generous, respectful ways. “Oh honey, you did SUCH a good job when you spoke kindly to your daddy, I am so proud of you!” {Hugs and squeezes and affirmation.} When the sass rears it’s saucy head, you can gently bend down and say something like, “Words are for kindness and building other’s up. Let’s try and speak in kind ways.” Also, if you catch yourself speaking in a sassy way, ask your children to forgive you; let them know it’s not your ideal. One more thing, be patient with them.

Pay Attention to Your Own Sass (and the Influences Around Your Babes)

I’m pretty sure Caroline gets her sass from me {sigh}. Maybe your babes are picking up the sass from you, or a friend, or a T.V. show. Speaking of T.V., I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but most shows for kids and tweens are FULL of sass and outright disrespect for siblings and parents. We mess up a ton in our house, but the one area we are trying to be super diligent about is what is going into our children’s minds when it comes to movies and T.V. If you’re kiddos watch Disney or other seemingly innocent stations or shows, sit down with them for an episode and take note. Not cool. I highly recommend not getting sucked into the popular kid shows of our day, there influence is strong.

Memorize Scripture

Find a scripture that you can memorize with your child. Here is the one we memorized (I sing it, which helps it stick):

“Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which is precious in the sight of the Lord.” 1 Peter 3: 3-4

If you use this verse, talk to your chid about the “hidden person of the heart”. Talk about what “imperishable” and “precious” mean. Teach your children to ask God to create in them the imperishable quality of a gentle and peaceful spirit in their inner person. Remind them that it is God, through the Holy Spirit who does the work; they cannot “fix” themselves, but they can ask God and they agree with Him.

Pray For and With Your Babe

Ask God to mold your children’s spirits, and ask Him to show you specific ways you can help guide your children; ask Him for wisdom and discernment, and pray that Jesus’ voice would be louder than the enemy’s. Teach your children to pray for these things as well.

Your Turn

How have you dealt with sass in your children?

Love, SM

*From Strong’s Greek: hēsýxios (an adjective derived from hēsyxos, “quiet, stillness”) – properly, quiet (still), i.e. steady (settled) due to a divinely-inspired inner calmness. (Isn’t that lovely?!)