I looked at my iPod. Which playlist should I pick to listen to while I wash my dishes.
My eyes went back and forth between my “Cleaning” playlist and my “Rend Collective” praise music list. I decided on the praise because it’s been a dark day.
I propped my iPod up on my kitchen window, pressed play, and as the words came out, something in me opened up.
I turned around, slid down to the floor on my knees and cried.
I think I’m in a bit of a depression.
And depression is this weird thing that you can’t really explain or give reason for. It just is.
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me…” Psalm 42:5
I get this way from time to time, it’s just a darkness, and it seems to be a rhythm of my life, and I know it will lift. But it’s been a few weeks of struggling to do basic tasks, and I finally had to admit to myself that I’m in it. And I function. I’m kind of a functioning depressive, or so I told my friend this morning. I can be mostly okay, but in my home, going about the hours, everything is a mountain.
I had a class in college and I remember the professor telling us once that when you find yourself in a depressed place, that everything feels hard, and to just do something small as you can. Maybe you can just make the bed. Do that.
My small thing, right now, is writing this to you, because there is something in the writing that helps. Something about vulnerability and honesty that allows the process to take its course.
So here I am telling you that I’m depressed. But I’m also hopeful because God is with me, and He knows all of my heart and every bit of my soul, and He will be kind and tender with me through this. I’ve been here before.
So today, I’m going to be gentle with myself, and I’m going to slowly do my dishes, and I’m going to keep on knowing that I’m not alone.
I’m not going to believe the voice of the enemy and I’m not going to condemn myself. I am free, and I trust the healing in the heaviness.
If you are struggling with a dark day or days, hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. Listen to truth not accusation. You are loved, you are not a failure, you are going to be okay.
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:5
“…whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:20
“…the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4
“In my failures You won’t walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea”
My Lighthouse, Rend Collective
Much love to you today,